Theology
by hills of happiness
Summary: Lucas asks a very important question.


**My brother started asking this question when he about Lucas's age.**

**

* * *

**"Ness," said Lucas, "What's religion?"

Ness chocked on his fist-sized, bright pink, bubble gum lollipop. "What? Did you seriously just ask that?" He stared incredulously at the moron sitting on the curbside next to him.

"Why, is it important?" The smell of hot asphalt and sunshine was making Lucas feel drowsy and sort of happy. Looking up into the hazy blue July sky, he realized he stopped caring about religion the moment he asked.

"Well," spluttered Ness, "Well, duh, stupid"

"Oh," said Lucas. He thought about it. "So, uh, what is it?" he said conversationally.

"Lucas," sighed Ness, "Don't go asking me; I gave up on you ages ago. Go ask someone else."

"Screw you," said Lucas placidly.

They shared an amiable silence.

"So who else can I ask?"

"Everybody, moron!" Actually… Ness thought for a moment.

"_And that," concluded Captain Falcon, "Is why everyone goes to church, or temple, or shrine, or whatever on the weekends."_

"_Because they're afraid of you?"_

"_Exactly, son. My strength is great even on the most common of days," declared Captain Falcon, "But on the holy Ends of Weeks I become an unstoppable fount of power. Great is my wrath on the Ends of Weeks. Lo, but blessed are the people of the sacred sanctuaries of the churchyard or temple yard or shrine yard or whatever, for they are preserved from mine rage."_

"_They go to church and stuff because you can't get them there?"_

"_Lo, son," said Captain Falcon. He patted Lucas on the head._

"_That's it? That's religion?"_

"_Lo!" _

"Actually, no. Ask Pit," Ness said. He wiped sticky pink spit from his mouth with the back of his hand, "If there's anything that airheaded pretty boy knows, it's religion."

"Thanks," said Lucas. He stood up slowly. "I think," and here he yawned, "I think he'll be somewhere with air conditioning."

"Shyeah," Ness snorted. He lay down so that the back of his head was resting on the sidewalk and his stubby legs just bridged the gutter. "I think you just want one of these babies," he said, and he waved the giant pink lollipop in front of Lucas's nose. Besides a couple of private homes, The General's Store was the only place in the stupid one-horse town with AC. Well, Ness reflected, you could say it was the only place in town, period. No police station, no fire department. Not even a stop sign. There was the Arena, but that was a different story. The nearest place of worship was a couple towns away. Oh, and there was the school. But no one went there in July, not even Nana.

Actually, Lucas was probably right. It was a town so small that the entire population could probably fit into the General's Store, if you allowed for the upstairs. And almost every house in town was clustered around the only paved street, so you didn't even have to try to find anybody. Look out your window and you'd probably see them. Who would want to stay home when all your best friends were practically drifting around your yard? Not Ness, not Lucas, not Pit, not anybody.

Lucas dragged his feet slowly down the street. He was beginning to wish he never asked about religion. Walking on a lazy summer day like this was almost painful. Ness was a douche. He kicked a pebble down the sidewalk. At least he'd be able to get a lollipop while he was there. Near drooling already, he felt around his pocket. Dang. Empty. Never mind.

Mario might give him a lollipop for free, though. He could afford it, after all. He owned the only two businesses in town- the Store and a plumbing company, and he was the mayor. Not that being mayor meant anything in a town like this. Dimly, Lucas remembered Mario cutting a ribbon many years ago. But that was it. Oh look, there he was. And Pit and Link and Zelda were sitting at the plastic picnic table in the dirt yard outside his store.

"Please?" wheedled Pit.

"No alcohol for minors," Mario said firmly.

"I'm not a minor! I'm timeless, baby," said Pit.

"Where's your ID?"

Pit pointed at his halo. He called it a halo, and it probably was, but Lucas thought it looked more like twigs stuck in his hair.

"That doesn't prove jack squat. Honestly, Pit, we can't sell booze to every kid in a tiara."

Link and Zelda sniggered. Mario flapped his dishrag at all three of them.

"If you ever ask me for alcohol again, I'll kick you all out." It was an empty threat, and they all knew it. Mario didn't even have any alcohol to sell. They were just fooling.

"I thought you didn't have any money," said Zelda.

"I don't actually drink. I just want my rights," whined Pit.

"Rights? Excuse me? You younger than we are."

"Zelda, you are one stupid – hi, Lucas!" Lucas had been sitting patiently next to Zelda for who knew how long, waiting for someone to notice him.

"Hi."

Awkward silence, because Lucas liked making things awkward for other people. Sometimes he wondered if that that meant he was a douche like Ness. But who cared?

"Pit," he said finally.

"Yes dear."

"What's religion?"

Pit choked on his own spit.

"You're serious," he wheezed.

"Yeah," said Lucas.

"Oh man," said Pit, "Oh man, oh man. Man, oh man."

"Shut up, Pit," advised Link.

"Okay, okay. Okay, so religion's basically where everyone agrees that these gods and goddesses are really, really cool, and they could totally kick your ass. People tell stories about all the awesome stuff they did and generally agree that deities are very excellent."

Lucas thought this was an awfully big fuss to make over a few 'very excellent' people. Pit's mouth fell open and Zelda smacked his shoulder.

"Do you know the kind of stuff they do?" said Link, "They made the world. They made life."

Lucas rolled his eyes. "Prove it," he said. Link turned red and started spluttering.

"Prove it? This," he said, gesturing at everything wildly, "is proof."

Lucas looked unconvinced.

"All right," said Link, "get over here."

Lucas didn't move.

"I said," growled Link, with his best crazy face, "get over here."

Lucas giggled. Link strode over to the other end of the bench and started to tickle him.

"Link," said Zelda, "stop it. Let's go inside, it's too hot out here."

"Please?"

"Oh, you're so immature," snapped Zelda. She was normally a lot more fun, but the heat made her testy.

"Let's not go inside," said Pit. "I like the sun." Zelda stared at him. Coming from a colder climate (tens thousand meters above sea level, higher than the tallest mountain), Pit felt the heat more than anybody else. In the winter, he had a habit of taking cold showers and then going outdoors to let his hair freeze solid, because he was, "seriously burning up, to the max."

"You're crazy."

"No, I just… like sunshine."

"Is that why you always call the window seat?" said Zelda, astonished.

"Aren't you the clever one," grumbled Pit.

"Is that why you still sleep with a nightlight?" said Link. Pit blushed and shoved Link.

"I thought you said you weren't going to tell!"

"It's okay," said Lucas, "so do I."

"So, Pit," said Link, "why are you so weird?" Pit turned even redder.

"You guys are just gonna laugh," he groused.

"Pit," said Zelda patiently, "we can't possibly be laughing at you any more than we already are."

"Yemblurblehh," mumbled Pit.

"What?"

"I mi hruhblech," grumbled Pit.

"You're pregnant!" shrieked Link.

"You guys suck," declared Pit, "I'm going to talk to Lucas. So, uh, Lucas, you know where I'm from?"

"The sky?"

"Yeah, close enough. Anyway, we live, like, on top of the clouds. So there's never anything blocking the sun. Which is fantastic, because it's fucking freezing up there. But, uh, anyway, you know who I, uh, work for?"

"Palutena?"

"Yeah. You know what she's the goddess of?"

"No."

"Light. And it totally makes sense that she made her kingdom in the sky, because the sky is always blue up there, and there's nothing blocking the sun – no clouds, no tall buildings, nothing." Lucas didn't bother mentioning that there wasn't a single building over two stories in this stupid one-horse town. Pit would only say, "Two stories! Exactly!"

"And the sunlight just bounces off the ground and the houses and everything, and it's everywhere. It's dazzling. Even if you close your eyes, the light comes through your eyelids. Skyworld is almost as beautiful as the goddess of light herself." Skyworld sounded like hell on the eyes to Lucas, but he had never been there, so he decided to take Pit's word for it.

"And at night, it's never dark, because there's the moon and all the stars, and nothing to block them. No heat haze, pollution, barely even any air molecules. I could keep talking about how beautiful the stars are, and how much I miss them, and what you guys are missing out on forever. But the point is, night in Skyworld is like… putting your head in a sieve. In broad daylight. It's no use, all the light comes through anyway."

"You're homesick," said Zelda.

"I know, genius," said Pit.

"Wait," said Link, "Wait wait wait. So you sleep with a nightlight because you're homesick?"

"No!" shouted Pit defensively, "If I was _just_ homesick, I wouldn't have to sleep with a nightlight or take the window seat to get closer to the sun. I would put up some Greco-Roman pillars in the chicken coop and stop breathing. I miss Skyworld a lot, but let's face it, there was barely any oxygen, it was freezing all the time, and my job kept me from making any friends. I miss Palutena," he admitted.

"You're making all this noise over some chick?" said Lucas, aghast.

Pit whipped out his daggers.

With a superb flying tackle, Link knocked him over and pinned him to the ground. "You moron! He doesn't know any better," he snapped. Pit struggled and writhed with his face in the dirt. "Apologize," commanded Link.

"It's okay, you can let him go," said Lucas, annoyed. He didn't need protection from a pretty boy like Pit. And seriously, he didn't 'know any better'? What an insult!

"No, really," said Link, "it's no trouble. We do this all the time. He's improved since that first time he tried to maul Jigglypuff for being atheist. But we still have a long way to go."

"Hey, I was the one holding him back that time," said Zelda, "Don't try to take credit for Jigglypuff's survival."

"I wasn't!"

Pit wiggled. Lucas took a deep breath.

"Lucas," mumbled Pit around a faceful of dirt, "I'm sorry. I overreacted. Link, you bastard, get the hell off me."

"It's okay, it doesn't matter," said Lucas, and honestly, threatening people with knives in a town like this really didn't matter at all. Link stood up and let Pit go. Pit stood up slowly and wiped the grit off his face. Flopping back down on the brightly colored hard plastic picnic bench, he said,

"But really, Lucas, you gotta understand. She's not just some chick, she's a goddess. Which means she's kind and understanding and beautiful and wise and powerful. But most of all, she's a creator and a great leader. That," he said, pointing at the sun, "is her blessing. Her leadership is the reason civilization's still around. Before I had my thing with the breaking out of the Underworld and all that, before she made her one dangerous mistake, she saved civilization in a thousand subtle ways with diplomacy, beating the goddess of darkness in every game she played in two thousand years. Just to be allowed to see her is an honor. Only the most loyal are allowed to speak with her. And," he said proudly, "I commanded her army. Do you know how ecstatic I was when I was first allowed in? Being a mere foot soldier for her was the kind of thing I dreamed of. And trust me," he snorted, "foot soldiers rank pretty low in an army where everyone can fly. And it wasn't just me. Everyone agreed that no matter how little you got paid, no matter how disgusting the job was, as long as you were doing her work, it was a job to be proud of. Angels basically exist for their god or goddess."

"Wait," said Lucas, "does every kid have a job in Skyworld?"

"Define kid."

"Under eighteen."

"Hell no! There's no such thing in Skyworld."

"So you're special, then?"

"What?" Pit was confused, "Why would I be special?"

"What?" Now Lucas was confused too. "How are you the general?"

"I worked my way up, duh," said Pit, "Took forever, man."

"How long is forever?"

"What?" said Pit, looking even more confused.

"Can we go inside now?" interrupted Zelda.

"I call window seat!" said Pit.

"There are no chairs."

"Uh, I think I'll go talk to Ness now," said Lucas, "Thanks, I think."

"Anytime," said Pit.

"He wasn't talking to you, moron."

"Shut up, Link…"

* * *

Angels were an unearthly race. Charming and beautiful, fiercely loyal, quick to anger and quick to forgiveness, they built magnificent kingdoms in the places where no one else dared to go. Lucas had to admit that much. But he couldn't see their logic. An entire society existing for one person seemed like a bit much. No matter how wonderful they said Palutena was, Lucas was having a hard time believing she was anything but human. How different were angels and goddesses from subjects and their rulers? Pit didn't behave any differently from a soldier defending his queen. There wasn't anything divine about him, or, Lucas suspected, Palutena. Maybe Palutena did some great things, but in Lucas's experience, most people, if they were in a position like Palutena's, wouldn't do much worse. After all, what did Palutena have that a queen didn't? A few magic tricks? What did an angel have that people didn't? A half-assed halo and a couple of flimsy wings. Any bird could do better.

He told Ness so. Ness almost choked on his lollipop (by this time, it had gotten small enough to choke on).

"No, you idiot, you've got it all wrong," he spluttered.

Lucas failed to see how.

"You're missing a lot of pieces, man. There are a lot of things you still don't know."

Lucas thought he knew enough.

"No, you retard. Get your head out of your ass for a second. Obviously, he didn't explain it well." Ness took one last lick, and chucked his lollipop into the middle of the road. Explaining things to Lucas was not something you could take causally. It was something that took every ounce of Ness's (very considerable) brainpower.

"Lucas, do you know how long forever is?"

* * *

**Dang, I was going to keep this simple. But somehow it mutated into a fully-grown semi-AU.**

**Took a lot of fictional liberties with this one… If anyone notices any inconsistencies with the canon, tell me! And I finished it at 1:30 am… I really need to stop doing that, but I always write better at night, even if I make more retarded mistakes. So if you guys see anything stupid, say so! And although I'm pretty happy with the language, I'm not so happy with where the message went. What do yall think? Say something! Review!  
**


End file.
